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June 13, 2011

Make A Sexy Website And Get Laid Like A Rockstar This Weekend

Filed under: Band Promotion — ian @ 1:27 pm


I was talking with a very old friend Steve Walker (a rock and roll aficionado) about his favourite subject the other day (Rock & Roll 1945 - 1971) and during the conversation he asked me, “do you know why many of the famous rock ‘n’ roll artists got into music in the first place?”
“No!” I said shaking my head, but thinking it’s probably got something to do with escaping the drudgery of life.
“Because they wanted to have sex” said Steve!
A bolt of lightening struck me on the side of the head and I said, “Oh - My - Good - Fucking - God, it Is all about sex, I should’ve known, hang-on, I did know, but I’d forgotten. Tosser!” I remembered all those angsty songs Nick Young and I had written late into the night after a few pints of Diesel [Snakebite (half a pint of strong larger and half a pint of Scrumpy cider) and Black (dash of blackcurrant cordial) - result looks like agricultural diesel fuel, hence the name] hoping the toons would get us laid sometime V.soon. Sex and drugs and rock and roll (Ian Dury 1977) were all part of my mental imagery of the rockstar’s lifestyle - there must be more to life than my normal nine to five existence - I really do want to be a rockstar so the girls come easy and I get laid! God, that’s all a long time ago now.

Over the past fifteen years, I’ve viewed hundreds of websites in my effort to help bands promote themselves on the Internet, and most of them are not sexy, They Are Fucking Useless, so much so that they wouldn’t get the juices flowing of even the most ugly, desperate, sex starved and zealous groupie. Frankly, a lot of band’s websites have the same effect as taking a freezing cold shower - which is extremely unsexy unless you’ve had a lot of beer!

physical conversation © Jan Brand van der Haar in acrylic

Real relationships, not fantasy pornographic relationships, I believe, are founded on love and trust. That might sound boringly monogamous, very un-rockstar like and the antithesis of a one-night stand philosophy, however, if you want to attract women (whatever), you need to be able to connect, love, laugh and enjoy a physical conversation! Creating a sexcessful website is exactly the same and the results are bliss.

How To Make Your Website Sexy

Firstly, obviously, you need a website. D’oh!

naaktslak slug © Jan Brand van der Haar

Speed It Up ~ Is It Love At First Sight? - Make sure your opening page loads at an ultra fast speed. [1] How quickly your website loads is now a green, carbon sensitive issue. Fast loading websites help to reduce bandwidth and costs, which is why Google looks kindly on speedy websites. [2] People don’t like waiting! [3] The faster you can get your message across, the more likely you are to score.

Keep HTTP/image/JavaScript requests to external websites to an absolute minimum, i.e: Google and affiliate ads, online image hosting (ImageShack & Photobucket), free hit counters and stats… Don’t use frames (which could mean loading four pages), web redirects or web cloaking. Don’t use Flash (for a number of reasons) or massive images.

Following on from getting across your message quickly, there is also the speed at which a first impression is formed and that leads me to, ‘Presentation’ - where will you insert your most important message?

unbutton result © Jan Brand van der Haar

Spruce It Up ~ What Are You Going To Wear For Your First Date? - Subjective. I wouldn’t normally talk about the visual design of a website, because in reality, prettiness is not that important to your website’s success! However, if you want your website to be sexy, there are a number of design suggestions to consider. [1] Present a simple, clean and easy to understand website. [2] Use contrasting colours (i.e. black on off-white) for text/background combinations so your readers find your message easy to read - eye strain usually results in a lame headache excuse! Position the main headings and subheadings to make blocks of text skimmable. [3] Create a website that works dynamically, not fixed width & sizes. [4] Your website will be a chick magnet if you design it with chicks in mind, find out what they like and ask them for their oppinions, then act on the inf./advice.

no underwear © Jan Brand van der Haar

Style It ~ Are You The One? - Be yourself. Be true to yourself. Know your own style, these are ‘constants’ and an important part of building a brand.

Express your band’s personality through your website, but don’t look like you’re trying too hard and always keep it in character with your Sound.

beautiful looker © Jan Brand van der Haar

Put Some Effort In ~ Be Cool. - Produce enough new and changing content (text, images & music) to hold the attention of your fans. Give out little nuggets of insider information, like: which fashion shops sell your gear, how to get a backstage pass [wink, wink] and which pub you are drinking in later… - radiate good vibrations.

By the way, if a blogger gives you a review, mention it and link back to the review from your website. Some people are really up their own arses a bit too far, they only think about themselves and about promoting themselves - tossers, give out a little love and you’ll get more back!

Holy shit © Jan Brand van der Haar

Paint It ~ Do You Stand Out In A Crowd? - You will have greater success if your website is original and is different - but you don’t have to reinvent it! Artists, I believe, must strive to find their own individual sound, style and look. Keep working on your website to move it forward, try introducing new angles - maybe by weaving the theme of your next album into your design? Think about branding but also about entertaining - because sex must be fun!

seed box © Jan Brand van der Haar

Plug It In ~ Have You Got A Sexual Chemistry Set? - There are a couple of problems that bands have with their websites that are as common as a slut with chlamydia! [1] The Website traffic is flowing in the wrong direction. [2] There is no reason for it to exist!

Traffic should flow towards your band’s website and not be directed away from it - your website must not be the pimp who supplies the john to the social media whore! Your Website Isn’t A Splash Page For Your Social Media. Do you understand? Traffic flows towards your website (just like sperm swimming towards an egg), not away from it!

Question: “What’s the fucking point of owning a website?”
Seriously, what’s the point? Well, the point is, a band’s website exists to promote the band to a wider audience, to enable the band to have full control over their business, and to introduce an air of stability (which might also be called professionalism) in an otherwise turbulent and developing world wide web.

It used to be MySpace that was the In social networking website for bands, now it’s Facebook, but in a week, a month or maybe years down the line it’ll be another site; the Internet is fickle, constantly changing and moving on. Stability, is a key word, a sexual pheromone.

So, why would a friend or follower want to go to your website? …That’s the 1,000,000th FaceSpace fan question!
How about, to sign-up to your mailing list (it clicks* with a website like rock’n'roll)? Or to read last week’s newsletter? Or maybe to find the travel details for your next gig …parking? trains? …et cetera? Or to pick up a free gift before buying your album (which is ever so easy to buy) and that’s also called link-bait? Hey, maybe it’s just to leave a comment about the band’s Holiday Snaps? Did you know, when your website has a purpose it will attract more women than you can shake a shitty stick at! …true! …you’ll attract hundreds of local tarts!

So the answer is: “To get ourselves laid like rockstars this weekend!”

Your sexed up website needs to: load quickly, look good, be in character, connect (link) correctly, be useful, be interesting, have a purpose, be very different, laugh, offer an easy mailing list sign-up, give something away for free, make the CDs easy to buy and accept credit cards? maybe have a newsletter and have very clear navigation - fuck a duck, that’s it!

Nickelback - Canadian rock band

I’ve captured a screen shot of Nickelback’s website header, because it is a beautiful example of a sexy website in action, visit it and have a good look around.

All works of art are by the Dutch artist Jan Brand van der Haar and are copyright ©Jan Brand van der Haar.

Jan Brand van der Haar (b.1947) is a self-taught artist and painter, living in Nijkerk, Netherlands. He paints primarily with acrylic on canvas and his subjects are many. The titles of the images are not easy to translate because they are cryptic, so I’ve used my best judgement - I hope it’s OK for you Jan! In order the images are: Physical Conversation, Naaktslak [Slug], De ontknoping [Unbutton Result], Antislip [No Underwear], Stuk [Beautiful Looker], Holy Shit and Semen Capsa [Seed Box]. Very Many Thanks Jan.

1 Comment »

  1. Have a read of this related article on MicControl. BTW McAfee TrustedSource web reputation analysis found potential suspicious behaviour on which may pose a security risk. Use with caution??? That’s Very odd Jon!? See: Fans Want An Easy Website… Give It To Them!

    Comment by ian — June 16, 2011 @ 1:55 pm

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